A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
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“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
BRO LMFAO
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector