Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
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I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”