Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.