You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
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therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.