[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
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[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
emergency phone
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
God has left this place
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?