A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
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“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day