I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
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[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.