Where is your GOD now????
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During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.