Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.