Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
You Might Also Like
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.