Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”