she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
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I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Mornin
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary