*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
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Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Denise please return my vape pen
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-