when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
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My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I have two kinds of followers
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.