God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
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Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
RT if you could go either way.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
*puts cutlery down*
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it