dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
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Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.