Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.