Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
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Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Meanwhile in Canada…
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
the dark web is just a goth google.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way