My love language is hissing.
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[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments