genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*