avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
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I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me