Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
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My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I wish this was real life…
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.