barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂