if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?