Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
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life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Not today
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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