My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
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My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Beware of fowl play.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.