If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
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[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price