I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
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Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode