Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
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Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn鈥檛 care what the weather was going to do
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
my kids: how many reese鈥檚 pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese鈥檚 cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I鈥檓 in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can鈥檛!
5: Because you鈥檙e in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there鈥檚 no way I鈥檒l be strong enough by then.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁馃悁
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I鈥檓 not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
No I don鈥檛 want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny鈥檚 for setting off firecrackers.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.