My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
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If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
goldfish mafia
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying