Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
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Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.