What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
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Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!