[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
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how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!