[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
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*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Bruh PLEASE
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”