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Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!