[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
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Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I put the mess in domestic.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
finally found a reasonable question
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Are these grass-fed oranges?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you