5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
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Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.