No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!