$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
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“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
✌️
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
the prophecies have been fulfilled
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic