In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Haha! 😂
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.