dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
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I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.