Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
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my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot