If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Never forget.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”