My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.