My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it