“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
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I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.