My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
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[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
This is me