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I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes