Sooo many times…..
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Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
My first child will be named New Folder.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
2 years later
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car