First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
three things we don’t talk about
How high do the levels go?
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten